Ofcom Whistleblower Reveals Channel Changing Capabilities

The television world was left reeling last night after an Ofcom insider revealed exclusively to The Haddock that the viewing public can actually change the channel if they are offended or unhappy with the program they are watching. The expose came in the wake of ITV’s flagship show The X-Factor receiving 300 complaints for allegedly promoting alcoholism or something.

“It’s been a hugely guarded secret for years.” said the insider, who did not want to be named incase he was either ostracized from the media regulator, or beaten mercifully to within an inch of his life, depending on the watershed. “Obviously if the audience knew that they could simply press a button to remove the offending broadcast from their screens then Ofcom would be rendered completely pointless.”

“It’s actually incredibly simple to do. You can either press the ‘Ch+’ or ‘Ch-‘ button on your remote control and what ever program is causing you distress will be replaced with another program. I’m revealing this now because I’m getting incredibly sick of dealing with complaints as frivolous and time consuming as the ones concerning The X-Factor.”

Members of the public were absolutely shocked by the revelation. Carol Serebanawich, from Newton Abbot, said, “I can’t believe it! Just the other day I sat through 3 episodes of Frankie Boyle’s Tramadol Nights. It was absolutely disgusting! I should not have to sit through a young girl performing felatio on Jesus Christ! Naturally I complained to Ofcom. And now I find out I could have just put on Masterchef? Amazing. I wholeheartedly apologize for wasting Ofcom’s time.”

When The Haddock tried to speak to Ofcom for comment, they simply replied “Gosh Darn it, we’ve been fucking rumbled!” and hung up the phone.

Residents of Devizes Riot After Being Left Out of Olympic Torch Route

The Wiltshire town of Devizes was in chaos last night after a small demonstration, protesting the Olympic torch route, ended up in a full scale riot. 476 people have been arrested in what is said to be the worst night of violence Wiltshire has ever seen.

“It was like the meltdown of society,” said one resident, who did not want to be named. “Cars and building were on fire, effigies of Sir Steve Redgrave were burnt and someone wrote “Fuck You Lord Coe” across the front door of the town hall. I may have stolen a few steaks from the local butchers, but their prices are very unreasonable.”

The protest started after it was announced that the Olympic torch procession was going to bypass the town. A few hundred people took to the streets sporting anti athlete placards. But the demonstration soon got out of hand after they found out the nearby market town of Marlborough would be on the route.

“What makes Marlborough so bloody special? It’s elitism!” said one rioter, disguised as a raccoon. “The powers that be obviously aren’t aware of our Bowls Club’s dominations of Marlborough over the years.” The man then scurried away to set fire to a nearby Ford Focus.

Local Conservative MP Claire Perry was quick to condemn the “barbaric and primal” violence. “I’m just as disappointed as the next Devizesion. . . or Devizesman or whatever we’re called. But violence is clearly not the answer. The worst thing about it is we can’t even blame the ethnic minorities, like our party usually does, as we’re in Wiltshire.”

The violence subsided shortly before dawn as around 2000 people set fire to a giant Olympic torch mock up and held there own procession. Mrs. Perry has promised a full investigation into why this happened.

More of Stephen Hilton’s Disturbingly Weird Policies Revealed.

From 10th October

An undercover Haddock reporter has managed to obtain a fresh batch of David Cameron’s Director of Strategy Stephen Hilton’s policy ideas. The Guardian newspaper revealed 2 years ago a handful of Hilton’s strange ideas, including closing Job Center’s for no conceivable reason and abolishing maternity leave. But it would seem Mr. Hilton has only got weirder. Here are a few of our personal favourites.

· Every Welshman will be allowed to carry a gun, but not across the border, or in Port Talbot

· God shall be renamed “Archibald the Angry”

· 20% of our tax money will be transferred in to bank accounts for fictional characters, e.g. Postman Pat.

· All doctors’ surgeries will see patience in order of how funny their name is and irregardless of symptoms. For example; if your name was John Smith, you’d be at the end of the list. If your name was Stylian Sexsmonitor, you would be seen immediately.

· Pavements will be replaced by sand banks, so England will feel like Miami/Fallujah.

· Cloudbursting technologywill be used to provide more sunshine.

· You can openly mock pregnant women for either being fat or over emotional. In fact it will be encouraged.

· Policeman shall have to navigate around the place using only Segway’s.

· Football shall be renamed “The Ballet of the ne’er-do-wells “

· Free celery for the blind.

· Free school dinners for children over 6 feet tall.

· Traffic cones shall be replaced by fitness buffs doing press ups.

· Spiders will be treated as second class citizens, and forced to wear the star of the arachnid on one of the their legs.

· People caught in possession of Maruana will now have to smoke a blunt in one puff whilst being observed by 3 maidens fair.

· Everyone will have to wear flip-flops, even you are Director of Strategy for the Prime Minister, 42, it’s winter, and you’re a dick.

Mr. Hilton refused to comment on these new policies, but he did tell us we “should be thinking outside the box.”

In other news a Haddock reporter has been arrested for trying to hit Stephen Hilton in the face with a microphone.

Liam Fox’s Full Entourage Revealed

From 10th October

Following revelations Defence Secretary Liam Fox invited former flat mate Adam Werrity to join him when meeting with foreign dignitaries, The Haddock has obtained top-secret footage, which reveals that Mr. Fox and Mr. Werrity were not the only people invited along to these meetings.

When meeting with Harry Boulter, chief executive of the Porton Capital investment fund, in Dubai last year, Mr. Fox bought no fewer than 47 people with him. Wayne Rooney went along to discuss a sponsorship deal, which at the time seemed strange, but the deal brokered was for roughly the price of bail in Merseyside. Cliff Richard went along to try and secure nuclear armament, seemingly because he is just that evil. And Sandy Toksvig went along to debate the correct spelling of Onomatopoeia, evidently out of sheer boredom.

In the meeting with the President of Sri Lanka in London Mr. Fox was joined by Eric Pickles, who was looking for a second free lunch of that day, Teen heartthrob Justin Beiber, who was looking to sell his bland, disturbingly sexualized pop to the recently peaceful region. And the entire cast of Eastenders, who wanted to practice their comic relief silly dance routine for someone important before they did it in front of Terry Wogan.

And in the most bizarre of all the meetings Mr. Fox and Mr. Werrity attended together, Mr. Fox hired out the entire Emirates stadium for a sit down with Saudi Prince Mugran ibn Abdul-Aziz. The prince sat in the centre circle as an invited congregation of 65,000 people were encouraged to discuss openly Britain’s security worries and frailties, as well as ask the prince for money in a Dragon’s Den style manner.

The Haddock passed the footage along to PM David Cameron, who said in response “we’re taking this very seriously.” He then very sneakily put the memory stick containing the footage in a bin, before setting fire to the bin and then putting the charred remains of said bin through a shredder. Unfortunately, that was our only copy, so you are going to have to take our word for it.

Red Top Tabloids severely underplay Mike Tindall cheating story

From 19th September

The Press Complaints Commission criticized the Sun, The Daily Mirror and other tabloid newspapers today for failing to sensationalize to an acceptable level a story involving Mike Tindall and the England rugby team. The tabloids, which generally ignore the sport of Rugby Union for 47 out of 48 months, were accused of “not making enough ridiculous allegations” and “failing to derail an already stuttering world cup campaign. “

Steven Mceldery of the PCC said today, “We have had many complaints from readers that these papers did not highlight enough the fact that these guys had had a bad game and should not have been out drinking. And there coverage of Tindall being kissed on the forehead had no where near enough accusatory comments about him cheating on his royal wife, even if the girl he was with is just an old friend. The people aren’t happy”

The Tabloids apologized profusely today, and promised that the next time a rugby player was caught drinking they would make it look like they were out till dawn raping, pillaging and generally being a disgrace to the nation. “We are dedicated to embellishing the truth,” said Sun editor Dominic Mohan, “Next time we promise to super impose a t-shirt saying ‘I Hate England’ on to Dylan Hartley, whoever he is.”

The England rugby team are currently out in New Zealand competing in the World Cup. They have promised to never ever under any circumstances drink in public again. Even if they win.

Poddington Peas to be forcibly evicted from the bottom of the garden.

From 19th September

A community of lovable anthropomorphic peas were told today by Oxfordshire council that they would have to leave their homes, or else be forcibly removed. The peas have lived at the bottom of the garden for 22 years, but they do not technically own the land, and their dwellings are blocking plans to build a shed.

A spokeswoman for Oxfordshire council said today, “It is a highly regrettable decision. We understand that the Poddington Peas have a tremendous amount of support, but the law is the law. It is important that we continue with rural development, and a shed is the perfect place to keep things which aren’t important enough, or else are too dirty, to keep in a house.

G-Pea, the community’s doctor, was ambivalent towards the council. “We understand that we don’t technically own the land, but we’ve been here for 22 years and no one’s ever complained. On the contrary, we’ve provided entertainment for some of the young local children over the years. It seems like a strange time to suddenly tell us to go. Maybe we’re being blamed for that outbreak of E-Coli. I know vegetables aren’t particular popular at the moment.”

Grum-Pea, who is unemployed, had a slightly angrier response to the eviction notice, “This is so incredibly typical of politicians. They just don’t understand the pea way of life. This is how we live. Why can’t they just leave us alone.” Meanwhile Weep-Pea was too upset to be interviewed, Slee-Pea was asleep and Wee Mcpea was too stereotypically Scottish to be understood.

It is thought that the Poddington Peas will try and appeal against there eviction as many of them were grown on the land, so feel the land is technically there’s now. The eviction is thought to be scheduled for next Friday.

Tragedy hits Worcestershire family after Bag For Life dies, aged just 7 months.

From 12th September

A family was left traumatized last night after their beloved Marks & Spencer Bag For Life, Carolyn, passed away after just 7 months of coming to live with them. The Carter’s had used Carolyn at least once a week to pick up there bits from the local Marks & Spencer Simply Food store down the road, and occasionally she would come along to the out of town Sainsbury’s for the big shop.

But tragically Carolyn, made of 100% recycled plastic, split yesterday evening as Steven Carter carried her home filled with milk and canned goods. Lillian Carter had this to say in a statement. “We are absolutely shocked and saddened by todays events. We were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives with Carolyn, and perhaps even letting our children or grandchildren taking her on after we passed away. No consumer should ever have to go through this pain. She will be greatly missed.”

Lillian refused to place the blame on husband Steven. “He is horrified. He hasn’t left the bedroom since the incident. He came back carrying the remains and he was just as white as a sheet. He hasn’t stopped crying since. It is a dreadful time for the Carter family.”

Tributes were laid out for Carolyn on the pavement where she met her end, with many well-wishers leaving old regular plastic Lidl and Aldi bags out in her memory. Carolyn was survived by James, a wicker Tesco Bag for Life, and Dalia, from Waitrose, both of whom also live with the Carter’s.

David Walliams pledges to swim circumference of fictional ocean planet

From 12th September

Fresh from his triumphant Sport Relief swim along the River Thames, television funny man David Walliams has outlined his next big charity stunt; Swimming the entire circumference of the fictional ocean planet in which the invading aliens from cult movie The Faculty live.

Walliams, whose swim for Sport Relief took him from Teddington Lock to Westminster, said he was very excited about this new challenge. “Obviously there is the issue of parasitic aliens swimming into my ears and taking over my mind and body, but I had to avoid old black plastic bags, beer cans and drowned rats in the Thames, so it should be no problem, really. I hear it’s a breathtakingly beautiful planet with the clearest of water, and to be the first to swim the circumference will be an honour.

But Walliams’s manager, Martin Igresavic, was skeptical about whether the challenge would realistically go ahead. “First of all, the name of the planet is unfortunately not mentioned in the film, so finding it is going to be tricky. David has taken to calling it ‘the big blue naughty’ so we’ll stick with that for a while.”

“Secondly, once the planet has been located, getting a support team to join David may become difficult what with the human hating aliens that inhabit the place. We think they will probably leave David alone as he is clearly a water dweller, but the support team would be vulnerable. We’ve penciled it in for 2013, but at this stage it’s unlikely to happen.”

Rest of the world is insane, Col. Gaddafi normal, new study shows

From 5th September

A groundbreaking study into mental illness carried out by the University of Sirte has concluded that everyone in the world is totally insane other than recently ousted Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi.

According to the report it is totally normal and rational to kill your own citizen’s, order the citizen’s loyal to you to fight to the death, go on long and rambling rants about how the uprising in your country is a western conspiracy, get so much plastic surgery your face resembles a melted candle which has been punched repeatedly and still claim to be the leader of a country which has overthrown you with overwhelming support from the rest of the world. Whereas if you are a pub landlord with two kids and a mortgage and not really much else going on you are utterly insane.

Aabideen Abdelkader, who conducted the study said, “I was a little surprised at the results, but they are conclusive. The only problem is that it turns out I’m completely insane as well, so maybe what I’ve done can’t be trusted. I’m an academic with mild manners and a passion for painting you see. They might as well lock me in a padded cell right now.”

The Colonel’s son, Khamis, who is also insane, but not quite as insane as others as he has shown similar traits to that of his father, ordered the study to be carried out upon arriving in Sirte as he fled the rebels.

Work is ongoing to find out if anyone else in the world is normal, with case studies being carried out on Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Robert Mugabe and Gary Neville.

People involved with professional football “officially the worst people in the world”

From 5th September

The football world was left reeling last night after the actions of Manchester City CEO Garry Cook meant that people involved with football overtook the likes of dictators, murderers and sex offenders to become top of The Haddocks “Worst People in the World” list.

Mr. Cook allegedly mocked Nedum Onuoha mother’s cancer in an e-mail meant for a colleague, which was accidently sent to the player’s mother. The Haddock’s “Worst People in the World” list works from indexing all the shitty things particular groups of people do and publishing the results.

Haddock “Worst People” analyst Steven Bravewater said, “It’s been a long time coming. For a while it was only the integrity, hard work and professionalism of Ryan Giggs that was keeping them away from the summit, but then of course the whole super injunction thing came out and Football people rocketed up the table. It was at that point we realized that literally everyone involved with the running and playing football are complete and utter shits. “

“Just look at FIFA. Literally everything they do is exploitative, corrupt and generally horrible. The worst thing is that they’re so goddamn blatant about it, yet no one else in football calls them on it because they are equally as exploitative, corrupt and generally horrible.”

“Then you’ve got the players, a fine example of why stupidity should not be rewarded so lavishly. Just because they can kick a ball does not mean they should get paid more in a week than GP’s earn in a year. It wouldn’t be so hard to swallow if they were humble about it, but they are universally moaning, arrogant, money grabbing shits that do absolutely nothing to endear themselves to anyone.”

A spokesman for the PFA told The Haddock last night, “We actually couldn’t give a damn about what you think. We’re all rich.”

FIFA appoint Berlusconi as head of ethics committee

Recently re-elected President of world football’s governing body Sepp Blatter has appointed Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as head of the organisation’s ethics committee, it was announced today. The committee has been set up to investigate internal and external claims of corruption within FIFA.

“We believe we have found the right man for the job,” said Mr. Blatter in a press conference today. “This man stands for everything FIFA believes in. Although I have always maintained that FIFA is completely corruption free, I’m sure Mr. Berlusconi will do a thorough job and calm everyone’s fears.”

FIFA has been under the spotlight in recent weeks due to allegations of delegates selling votes in both the recent presidential elections, and in the build up to the 2018/2022 World Cup host elections. Mr. Berlusconi however is skeptical that anything untoward has gone on.

“Take it from a man with integrity, loyalty and respect for both himself and his countrymen, FIFA is a clean and legitimate organisation. I have had many in depth conversations with Mr. Blatter, Jack Warner and others near the top of the tree before taking this job. They assured me that these allegations are all a conspiracy cooked up by the British media, who were no doubt upset about losing their World Cup bid.”

Rumours have circulated within the Swiss media that, upon accepting the job, the Italian PM left FIFA headquarters carrying a large duffle bag he was not carrying when he entered the building. Mr. Berlusconi shrugged this off, however, “I was going to the gym after the meeting, but I accidently forgot my gym clothes. The good people at FIFA were kind enough to lend me some. It is, after all, and athletic organization.

For more go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

Swindon now “officially fascist”

Head of Swindon Borough Council, Roderick Bluh, announced today that the town of Swindon, Wiltshire is now completely fascist, following a 3-month campaign by the town’s most influential people. The final piece of the puzzle, according to Mr. Bluh, was the introduction of Paulo Di Canio as Swindon Town FC’s new manager.

“It’s been a long and arduous campaign,” said Mr. Bluh this afternoon. “We started 3 months ago by hiring young white youths to graffiti anti-communist slogans all around town. We then set up a meeting between all MP’s and members of the council in the Swindon area and agreed to a totalitarian governing system in the town. Then we demolished the Brunel shopping center and replaced it with a labour camp for our enemies.”

“It was then essential to our plans that Mr. Di Canio take over the vacant managers role at the football club. We lent heavily on the club’s chairman, and it was sorted. We now have a poster boy for our fascist state.”

When asked about which towns and cities they were opposed to in the surrounding area, Mr. Bluh said, “We’ve never really like Oxford, they’ve always been so liberal and so forward thinking, and that is not the Swindon way. But Paulo absolutely detests Bristol. Apparently he was accosted in a Yates wine lodge in their city centre a few years back. On his say so, we will declare war on Bristol. Especially as Swindon are in the same division as Bristol Rovers next year.

Swindon appears to have started a trend of towns and cities taking up radical political structures. There have been rumours that Cardiff is to turn communist after Tiger Tiger was mown down to make way for a bike factory. They have reportedly been trying to obtain the services of Georgi Kinkladze to manage their football team, which would complete the move over to communism.

For more go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

Eric Coli – The most hated man in Europe

A resident of Carlisle has revealed today that he has received death threats delivered to his home and has had to change his telephone number and his e-mail several times this week after being inundated with hate mail. Eric Coli, a bank manager, originally from Scunthorpe, has no idea why this has started happening to him.

“It started off with just a few. They were mostly in German, so I used a translator. They said things like “you made my husband ill.” or “I haven’t left my bed in a week, it’s all your fault.” Of course I had no idea what they were talking about.”

“Then I started getting more and more. They were asking me “where did you come from?” So I wrote back to a few saying I was originally from Scunthorpe. Next thing I hear the old fruit and veg market in Scunthorpe has been burned down and all the produce has been destroyed in a controlled explosion. So I stopped replying.”

When asked about the death threats Mr. Coli told The Haddock, “I received a letter from Frau Ursula Schmidt, who is apparently the minister for health in Germany. She wrote that she was going to find out where I’m from, and destroy that place. Then she was going to find a way to eradicate me, and anyone like me, for good. I am terrified for my friends and family in Carlisle!”

The German cabinet was unavailable for comment. Apparently there is some sort of health crisis going on over there right now and they are all “too busy.”

For more go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

Ratko Mladic defeats Osama Bin Landen to become hide-and-seek champion

Former Bosnian-Serb military leader and war crimes defendant Ratko Mladic today revealed he and recently deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden have been in competition for the ultimate championship of hide-and-seek

Ratko Mladic stood in The Hague earlier today and declared, “I am the champion, and none of you can take that away from me.” The visibly disgusted court pressed him on what it was he meant, to which Mr. Mladic replied, “I stayed hidden for 6 years longer than Osama, and with only minimal help from my Government. The trophy is being fed-ex’d to me as we speak!”

He went on to explain that he had been in contact with Bin Laden shortly after the 9/11 atrocities, at which point an agreement was reached and a trophy was bought, to be given to whoever stayed hidden for the longest. “Even if we’d started from that point, I still would have won.” finished Mr. Mladic.

The war crimes tribunal have promised to add a further 5 years to any sentence passed down for Mr. Mladic, “for not only being one of the most despicable human beings to have walked the planet, but for being a smug bastard as well.”

For more go to http://thehaddock.co.uk

Iain Duncan Smith proposes “jobs for the rich”

The Conservatives were at the center of another embarrassing U-turn last night as the Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith suggested that new jobs could be created in the public sector if people were willing to pay a higher price for them.

On the same day that the Prime Minister denied additional university places would be created for candidates who were willing to pay higher fees, Mr. Duncan Smith claimed that people could obtain positions if they were willing to pay for them. “It’s very simple really. If you would like to work in the public sector you can give us, oh, I don’t know, £10,000. Then you can work that newly created position for as long as you want. If you pay us £30000 we’ll make you head of something new, like sheep herding in Derbyshire or something.”

Mr. Duncan Smith faced heated questions in the commons, with MP for Hackney Diane Abbot asking, “Surely this will turn the world of work into an elitist hierarchy?” To which the secretary replied, “There will still be jobs for people who can’t afford to pay for them, just much less than there is now. It may be true that this will mean the best workers never get to progress to anywhere near their full potential, but this is a price we must pay with the economy how it is.”

David Cameron was unavailable to confirm or deny the reports, although an aid close to the PM suggested he would poor water on the bill. “We can see by the way that David has gone about defusing the situation with the University fees that he needs to be much more careful about who he tells these plans to. Therefore I’m fairly sure he will steamroller this proposal as well to try and save face.

John Prescott was really not happy about the story.

Ninja Pimp Officially “Worlds Coolest Profession”

The votes are in and it’s official. The Haddock’s annual “Worlds Coolest Profession” poll has revealed that the Ninja Pimp is the most sort after occupation, knocking last years winner, Pirate Rockstar, into second. Wizard Architect makes up the top 3.

The Ninja Pimp is a covert and deadly warrior who also drives around in a low rider car, wears a hat with a huge feather attached and is always surrounded by an array of beautiful for women, or “ho’s”.

The spokesman for the NinJa Pimp Union said, “We are absolutely thrilled with the accolade. We’re very proud of what these brave people do, and we at the NPU see this as a huge achievement. I just feel bad for our HR department. They’ve been inundated with calls since the announcement. Remember, the job does require exceptional fighting skills and a huge amount of jive, so please be aware of this when applying.”

The Pirate Rockstar’s Alliance was disappointed with the result, but acknowledged the superiority in coolness that the Ninja Pimp had over the rest of the field. “Yarr, us Pirate Rockstars have been on the slide as of late. I blame Keith Richards’ unbelievably disappointing cameo in Pirates 3, which really should have been way cooler. You should see those Ninja Pimps go. They make the Fonz look like Bill Gates.”

The Wizard Architect was a surprise entry into the top 3, with many stating the ever-present popularity of Harry Potter mixed with the great admiration for architects such as Renzo Piano and Norman Foster the reason the job was so popular. There have been some detractors, though, with Vampire Fireman Brian Delve saying, “Wizards are not cool! Have you seen The Sorcerer’s Apprentice?”

The 3 least cool jobs according to the poll were the Accountant, the Traffic Attendant and, finally, the Satirist.

For more, go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

Change of Angle

Hello all,

Just a quick post to say I've begun posting articles written for http://thehaddock.co.uk/ on this blog. This is half because I think they're rather amusing and would appreciate your feedback and love/adulation, and half because writing for them means I have less time to write here. I will definitely be writing more opinion pieces in the near future, I know you can't get enough. But for the time being please enjoy the satire.

Scorching bank holiday weekend melts Richard Littlejohn’s icy heart.

Richard Littlejohn was admitted to hospital last night after he reportedly felt affectionate feelings towards “Muslims and lefties.”

The Daily Mail columnist, famous for being a bad tempered old bigot and for having the catchphrase “it’s political correctness gone mad”, allegedly said, “Good morning” and smiled at a Muslim family whilst walking in a park near his home in North London.

He was then spotted sitting next to a gay couple holding hands in a café near the park. His family raised the alarm after he made a compliment about a Guardian columnist after perusing a left behind copy of the paper in the same café.

Mr. Littlejohn is in a stable condition at North Middlesex University Hospital. His doctor told the congregated press that this sort of event was not totally uncommon. “Last May Day weekend a friend of mine had to go out on a house call to a very senior member of the BNP’s home after he laughed at a joke Eddie Murphy made in Beverly Hills Cop. He’d been out punting earlier in the day and the sun sparked a slight feeling of human compassion. Good weather mixed with time off and relaxation can cause even the iciest hearts to melt a little.”

“Don’t worry about Mr. Littlejohn though. The nurses are with him now, showing him pictures of children in hoodies spitting, gay men kissing, women wearing burqas and Tony Benn. He should be back to writing his vicious columns, which incite racial hatred, in no time.”

However, the editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, has questioned whether Mr. Littlejohn will still have the ability to write for the paper, “We only hire people who can really whip up our readers into a frenzy of fear, mistrust and loathing. I fear that if Richard’s heart does not cool down he will be unable to do this. That would be a real shame because no one is as angry, fear mongering, ignorant, and downright disgusting as him. I mean really disgusting. He even makes me feel a bit sick sometimes.”

There were no friends or well-wishers at Mr. Littlejohn’s bedside.

Local man a laughing stock for “believe Bin Laden is really dead”

A local man was the subject of ridicule from peers and work colleagues last night after he allegedly claimed to believe Osama Bin Laden was actually dead. Tom Cahoot, from Maidestone, has seemingly taken President Obama’s confirmation about the death of the Al-Qaeda leader as “fact”, causing friends to question his sanity.

“What an absolute idiot,” said tweeter Kevin4Esther, mirroring thousands of others upon hearing the news, “where’s the proof? This is 9/11 all over again.” Mr. Cahoot’s colleague Robin Sanford told the press “I actually feel a little sorry for Tim Cahoot. How can anyone be so naive to actually believe the President of the United States, David Cameron, The President of Pakistan and pretty much every other leader in the civilized world? They’re all so crooked.”

But Mr. Cahoot remained defiant last night. In an open statement to the people of the world he wrote, “look at it this way, if he wasn’t really dead wouldn’t Al-Qaeda have released a statement denying all reports? Better still, would Bin Laden himself not have made a videotape to show the world that he is still alive? And considering he has not made a videotape for over 2 years and that he has been seriously ill and on a dialysis machine for more than four years suggest that even if they did show a body, the man would be borderline unrecognizable. And if there was a firefight and Bin Laden was killed, wouldn’t that suggest that his body would have many bullet holes and that this would make him even more unrecognizable? And who wants to see a dead body anyway? Does no one actually want him dead? I’m pretty confused.”

Since Bin Laden’s apparent demise Twitter and Facebook has been awash with skeptical posts, with an estimated 98% of users referring to some sort of conspiracy, as opposed to joy that one of the most evil men who has ever lived was dead.

Mr. Cahoot signed off his stamen by saying, “I, for one, am glad he’s gone. Maybe the relatives of the 3,000+ killed on 9/11 can move on now this murderer has been apprehended.”

Tom Cahoot is a cashier at Lidl.

For more amusing posts check out http://thehaddock.co.uk

The White Elephant in the Room

Both sides of the Alternative Vote debate have used anti-BNP posters in their respective campaigns. This has subsequently given the BNP free publicity. The BNP get so much of this from debates and news coverage that I think it may be time to turn this disgusting side of British politics into the white elephant in the room.

Since Nick Griffin went on Question Time, an edition which saw the program’s ratings quadruple, the BNP have been a main stay in the media. Politicians point at them to say “at least we’re not as bad as them” and the majority of the public shake there heads and tut at how despicable these people are. Britain loves a hate figure, after all.

The problem is there is a small pocket of the population, disaffected and usually poorly educated, who are easily manipulated. This group of people may see the BNP as the party who speak for them, and with that they will switch from being someone who usually would not be remotely interested in politics to part of the BNP’s ever-growing vote share.

You may think I’m doom mongering and am jumping to conclusions. But shortly after the Question Time episode my friend found a particularly disturbing Youtube channel. It contained several webcam rants praising the BNP and their politics, and the person ranting just happened to go to school with us.

He was younger than me and I didn’t know him at all, but I was aware of who he was, and that he was bullied and had learning difficulties. These are, unfortunately, exactly the types of people who the BNP attract. It is exploitative, yes, but this is not helped by the amount of exposure they get. And it is even worse for politicians to consistently point out just how awful they are. Don’t get me wrong, if one political party had to be bullied it should be the BNP, but it is bullying. Just look at that edition of Question Time. Some people, possibly like the person from my school, can identify with that.

So drop the beating and just ignore. The world will be a much happier place if we didn’t have to hear about Nick Griffin and his ugly politics. Let him pay for his own publicity.

A Man That Makes Me Want To Grow A Beard

On his Screenwipe program a few years ago Charlie Brooker had a wonderful running segment called “The 10 Biggest Cocks in Advertising.” I’ve posted some links below, and I would like to make a late edition to the list.

Gillette have had issues with advertising ever since “the curse”. Having paid Tiger Woods. Thierry Henry and Roger Federer amounts of money that would make Donald Trump blush to advertise Gillette products the company found itself in a bind after they all had a rather spectacular fall from grace. Woods cheated on his wife repeatedly and, for a bizarre couple of weeks, was the biggest news story in the world. Thierry Henry handled the ball deliberately in a world cup qualifier to cheat his team to victory. Roger Federer, well it wasn’t so much a fall from grace, he just lost a couple of tennis matches. It was definitely time for a rebrand.

Unfortunately they employed a man to advertise their new ProGlide range that is so irritating it beggars belief. He makes you want to put Mika on full volume just to drown him out. The man enters a random bathroom with a camera crew and an infuriating “whoop!” before accosting a man mid-shave. After the shaver complains about his current razor, the new Gillette ProGlide is presented to him by the cocky asshole, and, by Jove; the new razor is only bloody better. The horrible man has saved the day, and he proudly proclaims that the new razor will turn “skeptics in to believers.” It’s a bloody razor! The only time I’d be skeptical is if it was made out of wine gums, or had a severed ear next to it or something.

Most annoyingly of all, the advert is on roughly 7,000,000 times a day. Gillette ProGlide man, congratulations! You are my biggest cock in advertising.

And for the record, I quite like Mika.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wiwmYjk9ARA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ik7bDGQ4uO8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS5TikydXgM

Shameless Plug Alert!

This blog post is a bit of a cheat, as I’m not writing anything new, just shamelessly plugging stuff I’ve already written. Think of this post as the Dave channel or UK Gold. If you like this blog, get yourself over to http://thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress It’s an online satirical newspaper, which I have recently started writing for. Here are some of my stories. Enjoy!

http://www.thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress/?p=2980

http://www.thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress/?p=2973

http://www.thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress/?p=3046

http://www.thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress/?p=3039

http://www.thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress/?p=3098

http://www.thehaddock.co.uk/wordpress/?p=3101

The Rise of the Smug and Bored

This week a group of activists, led by the Taxpayers Alliance, announced they would be holding “The Rally Against Debt” on May 14^th. The demonstration is for showing the government support over their public sector cuts, and is a direct response to the TUC organized anti-cuts protest, which saw around 500,000 people descend upon London.

The Chief organizers for the event are Matthew Sinclair, one of the directors of the Taxpayers Alliance, and Annabelle Fuller, a former aide to Ukip leader Nigel Farage. The guidelines for the march, as outlined on the rally’s website, say "Any visits to Fortnum & Mason's by protesters will only be to marvel at their selection of quality goods and perhaps make the occasional purchase. Bonfires will be strictly forbidden: it's out of season anyway. Trips to see Vodafone and other high street chains will result in congratulations to the company for providing jobs and growth in the UK." This was a hilarious nod to the minority protesters who caused trouble at the TUC rally.

First things first. Why would anyone in their right mind want to publicly back the cuts? If you are in favor of them then surely you can be in favor of them in private. To march in support of them is rubbing it in the faces of the thousands of people who are going to lose their jobs over the next year.

Since when have there been demonstrations supporting what the government is doing? Surely the whole point of staging protests is to oppose something. That’s why they’re called protests! For this demonstrations you might as well have the cabinet be driven around on an open top bus through London, throw in some cheerleaders and some flags and call it a pep-rally.

The people organizing are not the most appetizing people. The Taxpayers Alliance is a ridiculous organization, which in no way incorporates all UK taxpayers. In fact one of their directors doesn’t even pay tax as he lives in France. Ukip is a political party who are short on actual policies, mostly they just don’t want to be part of Europe anymore.

The fact is that they are being deliberately antagonistic. The people who participate in this march won’t have been affected by the cuts, don’t like the TUC, they are clearly rather delusional and want to force the other side in to confrontation. This is why their rally was announced so far in advance. They want anti-cuts protesters to come out, for some of them to get violent as they did last time, which will lessen the credibility of the anti-cuts movement. A movement which is being roundly ignored anyway.

These people just seem to me to be smug and bored. They’ve got nothing better to do with their weekends then to get behind a cause which means absolutely nothing. The rally is pointless.

So if you support the cuts then that is fine. Just don’t shout about it.

April Fools!

April Fools Day has come and gone, with some absolutely cracking pranks being conducted by the media.

I, too, participated in the joy. I sent a text message to my housemate saying that our council tax was going to be doubled. He wasn’t a happy boy, but caught on to the joke a day later.

I reported on Facebook that I was moving to New York in 3 weeks. A couple of people almost bought it, but generally I just got abuse with my personal favorite comment being “I hope this is true. Good riddance.”

My final prank was the riskiest. I e-mailed my Dad telling him I had got a stranger pregnant. This really backfired as he sent me the nicest e-mail in the world back reassuring me that everything would be fine etc. I doused the flames very quickly with the rather pathetic response “I feel awful now. April Fools!!!!” I don’t think he’s forgiven me yet.

Anyway, here are a few of my personal favorites from last Friday.

http://www.rfu.com/News/2011/March/News%20Articles/310311_Plane_kicking.aspx

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/rugbyunion/club/8419754/Wasps-to-fly-the-flag-for-St-George-for-charity-game-against-Bath-at-Twickenham.html

http://mail.google.com/mail/help/motion.html

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/04/01/coalition-plans-tax-on-fresh-air-to-help-improve-environment-115875-23029434/

Don't look directly at The Sun

On a day when there were two civil wars being fought, one of which Britain is directly involved with, still the possibility of a nuclear meltdown following a tsunami in Japan, debates about the controversial NHS reforms, further cuts to the MoD being announced and an ongoing murder investigation going on in Wiltshire, The Sun on Monday opted to go for the front page headline “I’m three times the size of my twin.” That’s right. The front page of the newspaper with the highest circulation in the UK went with a hard hitting real life story about a twin who has a condition which makes her fat on a day when all those other things were happening.

I think it might have been the twin thing which swung the decision. I mean no one wants to see an individual person with a glandular condition on the front page of their paper. It’s all about the juxtaposition you see. One twin is fat despite eating healthily, and one twin is thin despite apparently gorging on cakes and chips all day.

I think it might just be me, but this isn’t really news, is it? This is the kind of thing you’d find in the true-life story section of Take a Break magazine, right? As touching as the story is, how on earth is it headline worthy? Even the whole pointless furor about Wayne Rooney swearing at a camera would be better.

I hate the way The Sun takes itself so seriously. If you’re going to fill you pages with lies, tits and casual racism at least have the decency to admit to it. Don’t pretend you’re a real newspaper. It’s like the Radio Times suddenly proclaiming the magazine to be the home of investigative journalism just because Brian Tru-May said stupid, newsworthy things in an interview with them.

This is the publication that proudly proclaims to have won elections for David Cameron and Tony Blair by backing them. How arrogant and self-important do you have to be to make these claims?

The worst thing about The Sun, and there are many more bad things I haven’t mentioned, is how it treats it’s readers like idiots. They carefully explain each story in the way a parent explains to a toddler how a toilet works. It’s patronizing beyond belief.

This underestimation of the audience is why The Sun got stick for their story about Gordon Brown misspelling a dead soldiers name in a letter of condolence to the parents. The Sun thought the readers would lap up anything anti-Brown like thirsty dogs. The readers, however, thought ‘well that was an incredibly nice of him to take time out from running the country to write a personal letter. Plus, he only has around 30% visibility so misreading things must be commonplace for him. I’m not buying this.’

What I do like about The Sun, however, is the little text box at the top of page 3, which usually says something like “Becky, 19, agrees that the no-fly zone is a good idea. “On the whole, if it has the back of both The Arab League as well as The UN then it is only right that it is imposed. Gaddafi should not be allowed to slaughter and maim his own people any longer.”” Becky said that! The one with her breasts out!

But everything else I truly despise.

The Debt Generation

Watching the student protests was a breath of fresh air. It has been a long time since the British public has showed such blatant animosity towards the powers that be. Who can blame them for getting a little anarchic? The 3 biggest protest marches of the last 10 year; the countryside alliance march, the anti Iraq war march and last weekends anti cuts march, have been completely ignored by the respective governments.

I was comparatively lucky with the cost of my education. I managed to do my bachelors just before Labour introduced the first top up fees. Therefore my entire 3 years costs slightly more then a single term will cost at Oxford shortly. Even the MA I’m studying for only costs a little over £4000 for the 2 years. I’m in roughly £10000 worth of debt so I can understand the sheer frustration younger people must be feeling over the fact they will owe 5 times as much.

I think the hardest thing to swallow for young people about the top up fees, and to an extent the cuts in general, are the generation that are handing the ruling down. The “baby boomer” generation went to University for free, had grammar schools to support the brightest amongst the poorer classes, had a much better housing market that made it easier for them to purchase a property and they had a much freer job market.

They’re the same generation who caused the financial meltdown, which the younger generations are going to have to pay for. A meltdown, which has consequently collapsed the housing market and has forced the government into massive cuts in the public sector, as well as 100’s of business’s going under in the private sector. The outcome of this is that our generation are seriously going to struggle in the housing market, and getting a job is going to get more and more difficult. No wonder the student protests got violent.

It is unfair to bundle an entire generation of people together, and it was obviously very difficult to foresee this outcome. It is just a little hard to swallow for us young folk. If our generation is as careless again then this will happen all over again, and it will be even more difficult to get back. There is a lot of pressure on the shoulders of young people, and perhaps lumbering them with £50,000 worth of debt before they’ve even got started seems ridiculous.

My New Least Favourite Person

Whilst doing research for a recent piece of work I had the sever displeasure of reading 5 opinion pieces by Daily Mail nut-job Richard Littlejohn. Now it is hard to articulate my utter disdain for this man, so what I’ve decided to do is publish the short hand notes I took whilst reading his work. The piece I was working on was a parody piece written by a Littlejohn style writer. Here’s what I came up with. Please excuse the language, I got a little angry.

· Start off sympathetically. End up criticizing what you were being sympathetic towards in the first place.

· Accuse whole nations and groups of people of things with absolutely no proof e.g. calling the Japanese “militantly racist” despite saying you know nothing about their culture earlier in the paragraph.

· Pretend to be representing Britain with your opinions. Critical patriotism idiocy.

· Use only negative language. Never mention anything positive.

· Criticize modern Britain as much as possible e.g. our “ghastly cult of sentimentality.

· Refer to the left as often as possible, and refer to them as a single, evil entity

· Anything non-Christian is pure evil. Especially Islam.

· Refer to Daily Mail readers who have written in. Use their points of view to confirm your argument, despite people who write into the Daily Mail being equally as fucking crazy.

· Trivialize tragedy.

· Make claims, but don’t bother to check facts. Achieve this with language like “I may be mistaken”.

· What ever you’re writing about, always come back to how it affects Britain, even if it’s irrelevant.

· False accusations are always fun. Especially if you make them seem substantial with things you’ve made up.

· Always, in every single bloody piece, use the term “political correctness gone mad”. Its good to have a catch phrase.

· Most importantly: SENSATIONALISE EVERYTHING.

So if these qualities in a writer are up your street then get over to the Mail website and check him out. Personally I am debating whether to pack in my job, say goodbye to my loved ones and spending the rest of my life trying to make Richard Littlejohn’s life a living nightmare. I think I’ll start with acquiring planning permission for a mosque to be built on the street he lives on.

The man is an eyelash away from inciting racial hatred, yet he writes for a paper with one of the highest circulation rates in the country. The man must be stopped.

For more information on Richard Littlejohn fast forward to 4 mins 50 on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGAOCVwLrXo

Who Killed the Kings?

It was just one of those perfect gigs that will stick in your memory forever. A beautiful summers evening and Kings of Leon, Second to last on the bill to Razorlight, troop on to the stage to play to the biggest crowd of the weekend. The opening chords to Black Thumbnail reverberate through the speakers and the crowd goes suitably insane.

Fast forward 2 years and Kings are back, but this time headlining off the back of a couple of huge radio hits, which won them a whole new fan base. This should be a crowning moment for the band, but something has changed. They’re met by stony faces and polite applause. The whole atmosphere is awkward, and this winds the band up so much they have a hissy fit and storm off the stage at the end of there set. A guitar even goes flying into the crowd. So what has changed?

Kings of Leon used to be one of the coolest bands in the world. They had a modest, but steadily growing group of fanatical fans. They managed to headline Glastonbury without ever having a top ten hit. Then the song Sex on Fire came out and everything went crazy in the world of the Kings.

There is no denying some hardcore music fans are irrationally fickle. At my university there was a group of musos I knew who would dance to a band one week, the band would get some radio play, and the next time the DJ played them they would stand resolutely at the side of the dance floor waiting for the song to finish.

The less fickle fans, however, just find it very difficult to share. It is a strange thing experiencing a band you’ve loved since their humble beginnings being played on Capital FM 37 times a day. Bands you ironically spent 10 years telling anyone who would listen how great they were. With people like this there is an acceptable level of success. I saw Arcade Fire playing the O2 in November. “It’s strange. We’ve sold out this ginormous arena for 2 nights and we’ve never even had a hit.” Said front man Win Butler towards the end of a wonderful gig. And in there lies the secret to keeping your fan base.

Kings of Leon are now one of the biggest bands in the world. They sell out stadiums and sell records by the truckload. Yet they’ve lost most of the fans that propelled them to a position to take over the world. It’s not their fault they came up with such an excruciatingly catchy song. Its not there fault the whole world loved it. You cannot begrudge them their success. But I miss the little band that only a couple of people had heard of. I wish that song had never happened, but it did. Sometimes you’ve just got to let them go.

TV Snobbery

I’ve found myself increasingly isolated recently. As I add more and more television programs to my list labeled ‘avoid at all costs’ my friends seem to be going the other way. Even a friend who’s taste I thoroughly respect has admitted an addiction to My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding.

I really don’t mean to be a snob; I just don’t see why I should sit through One Born Every Minute when there is so much quality visual treats around at the moment. Since the arrival of Sky Atlantic my Sky+ box has been groaning under the strain of series linked heavyweight dramas and groundbreaking comedies. But I have no one to talk about them with. Hardly any of my friends have even heard of Treme, let alone know enough about it to have a boring conversation with me about it’s wonderful portrayal of post Katrina New Orleans over a pint.

What they will talk about is the ‘good fun’ Take Me Out, or the ‘hilarious’ Jersey Shore. I get a lot of stick for being a snob so I decided to give these two a go. I managed to get through twenty minutes of Take Me Out. I really tried to get through it but it just made me so very angry. It is essentially a poor mans Blind Date, and Blind Date wasn’t exactly a tour de force to start with. Take Me Out was better than Jersey Shore though, that made me want to give up on the human race altogether. I had to switch over to Wonders of the Universe to remember just how insignificant the idiots on Jersey Shore really are.

I really don’t look down on these programs, or the people who watch them. On the contrary I really wish I could share in the enjoyment. They’re just really not for me. I do have guilty pleasures like the occasional X Factor series, or my frankly unhealthy obsession with Eastenders. But, in general, I think I’ll stick to being a snob.

Ticket Touts

There has been talk in the last few weeks of capping the amount you can charge for event ticket re-sales to 10% more than they were purchased for. As a keen live music and comedy fan I am all for this, I just really can’t see it working.

The most I’ve ever paid over the odds for a ticket was £200, which was roughly a 116% mark up, for Reading Festival the year Rage Against The Machine returned. It was definitely worth it, but obviously a 10% mark up would have been preferable. The problem was that there were virtually no tickets on eBay, and absolutely zero being sold by the touts outside, due to the popularity of the event.

Would this cap mean that a first come first served policy being used on resale now? Where does it stop? What if you bought the tickets on eBay but couldn’t go yourself? Could you then charge and extra 10% percent? And how exactly would you enforce this rule on touts?

Don’t get me wrong, touts drive me insane. I’ve been ripped off too many times to pretend it’s not a dirty, dishonest business. But they are clever, and they would find a way around the 10%. What else are they going to do? Become used car salesmen?

You’ll notice at this point that, in true blogger form, I am not offering any sort of solution, just complaining about a problem. This is due to lack of intelligence and expertise in the event industry. I’ll pop out to the library and get back to you.

Injury on the Tube

I recently injured my ankle football. I’d love to tell you it was the result of a heroic last-ditch tackle, which won us the game. In fact I just stood on it awkwardly after around 70 seconds of play. I consequently had to travel around on crutches for a couple of weeks.

When you are on crutches Londoners show themselves in a whole new light. They were amazing. In those few weeks I had people holding doors open for me, people giving up seats for me on the tube, TFL workers helping me through the gates, I even made eye contact with a few people! One woman became so incensed with a man pushing in front of me to get a seat on the tube she properly told him off. I felt like the most loved man in the city.

A couple of weeks later I ditched the crutches, but my ankle was still in an awful lot of pain. The problem; is how do you make other commuters aware of this? On one journey I had been stood up for 20 minutes and my ankle was excruciating. A seat became available and I shuffled into it ahead of a couple of other people. One women looked at me with such severity that I might of just spat on a close relatives grave. I tried readjusting my ankle support whilst contorting my face into a permanent grimace, but the damage was done.

So my advice to anyone who suffers from a leg injury and lives in London; keep the crutches with you until you are able to stand for a full journey or suffer the wrath of the angry commuter stare.

The Great Census Debate

Last week the British public was subjected to the 2011 Census. The penalty for not filling out your form is supposedly £1000, although less than 100 people were fined back in 2001. There have been a lot of complaints about the forms, and I’m not at all sure why.

Some say it is too intrusive. I wholeheartedly disagree with this. It doesn’t ask you about your sexual preference, your wage, your lifestyle, whether you smoke or drink, your hobbies and commitments, how you spend your money, hell, even if you’re a Satanists you can abstain from answering the question about religion. It asks very general questions about your health, your work and your living arrangements. You don’t give anywhere near enough information which the evil powers that be can use to exploit you.

Some have said it is too long and time consuming. I can confirm that I’ve spent twice as long on this blog thus far, which probably says more about me than the contents of my Census form.

It is wrong that they got arms manufacturer Lockheed Martin to help with the logistics however. It seems like a bizarre choice and should probably be explained properly by the people involved.

On the whole, though, I like the Census. I like the idea of a little snap shot of British history being taken. So I’m happy to do it, and I look forward to doing it again in 10 years time. Oh, and I didn’t put my religion as Jedi.

Twitter is 5

Twitter is 5! In a week when so much real news is happening, this story is getting an awful lot of play. Am I the only one who really doesn’t get its appeal?

I’m addicted to Facebook, as much as I want to hate it. It’s like National Rail or the iPhone; as much as it can drive you insane and wish that you didn’t use it so much, you can’t live without it.

But Twitter, to me, just seems to be for self-indulgent celebrities and media types who can’t be bothered to do any proper research. I have tried using it but I just couldn’t get in to it. Maybe if I had more than 15 followers, the vast majority of them being naughty lady types trying to get me to join naughty websites, I’d like it more. But so many tweets are so dull and pointless it just annoys me. I don’t think people really have any interest in what I’m doing, and if they did I’d be a little freaked out.

There are some quite funny tweeters. I’m a fan of Tim Key’s 140-character poetry, and the Bronx cobra amused me this week. But the majority of it seems pointless.

I don’t care what’s trending, I just want to talk to my friends and post snide little in jokes to them. Therefore Facebook is all I need.

I will inevitably be a hypocrite and start using it again at some point, but for now I will remain ignorantly perplexed by the world of Twitter. Happy Birthday!

I'm Going to WrestleMania!

I have a confession to make. I do this at the risk of alienating friends, causing panicky phone calls from family members and most likely never receiving any female attention ever again. I, a 24-year-old man, am a huge fan of WWE wrestling.

I know what you’re thinking; this is pretty rich coming from someone who wrote a blog about being a TV snob, but I can’t help it! WrestleMania is on this weekend and I’m so excited I might cry.

I started watching it again when I moved to London after university. I was very poor and didn’t have many friends in the city, so my flat mate and me would religiously record Raw (WWE’s weekly show) and watch it when we got home from work. We also paid rather a lot of money on pay-per-view events.

Most people, including myself, grow out of it around the age of 15. You give it up to watch ‘proper sport’ or to chase girls. But watching it as an adult you see it in a completely different light.

Firstly it is like Hollyoaks for boys. However instead of the usual Hollyoaks slagging matches the wrestlers beat the crap out of each other. What’s not to love? Okay so the story lines are absurd, but that’s what makes it charming. The WWE are better at creating instant hate figures than Big Brother, and that’s saying something.

Secondly you have to admire the wrestlers athleticism. We all know that it’s fake, but these guys put their bodies through hell every night of the week. Imagine jumping off a 10-foot ladder right onto your back every single evening. Compare that to the footballers, who need to be rested for midweek games and tell me who the real athlete is.

Finally, and most importantly, it’s the nostalgia that I love. This Sunday Hollywood movie star The Rock is back in the ring, as is Triple H, The Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin. It excites the 14-year-old inside of you and makes you forget about the unbearable realities in your life.

So judge me if you like, but I am not ashamed. Roll on WrestleMania!