More of Stephen Hilton’s Disturbingly Weird Policies Revealed.

From 10th October

An undercover Haddock reporter has managed to obtain a fresh batch of David Cameron’s Director of Strategy Stephen Hilton’s policy ideas. The Guardian newspaper revealed 2 years ago a handful of Hilton’s strange ideas, including closing Job Center’s for no conceivable reason and abolishing maternity leave. But it would seem Mr. Hilton has only got weirder. Here are a few of our personal favourites.

· Every Welshman will be allowed to carry a gun, but not across the border, or in Port Talbot

· God shall be renamed “Archibald the Angry”

· 20% of our tax money will be transferred in to bank accounts for fictional characters, e.g. Postman Pat.

· All doctors’ surgeries will see patience in order of how funny their name is and irregardless of symptoms. For example; if your name was John Smith, you’d be at the end of the list. If your name was Stylian Sexsmonitor, you would be seen immediately.

· Pavements will be replaced by sand banks, so England will feel like Miami/Fallujah.

· Cloudbursting technologywill be used to provide more sunshine.

· You can openly mock pregnant women for either being fat or over emotional. In fact it will be encouraged.

· Policeman shall have to navigate around the place using only Segway’s.

· Football shall be renamed “The Ballet of the ne’er-do-wells “

· Free celery for the blind.

· Free school dinners for children over 6 feet tall.

· Traffic cones shall be replaced by fitness buffs doing press ups.

· Spiders will be treated as second class citizens, and forced to wear the star of the arachnid on one of the their legs.

· People caught in possession of Maruana will now have to smoke a blunt in one puff whilst being observed by 3 maidens fair.

· Everyone will have to wear flip-flops, even you are Director of Strategy for the Prime Minister, 42, it’s winter, and you’re a dick.

Mr. Hilton refused to comment on these new policies, but he did tell us we “should be thinking outside the box.”

In other news a Haddock reporter has been arrested for trying to hit Stephen Hilton in the face with a microphone.