FIFA appoint Berlusconi as head of ethics committee

Recently re-elected President of world football’s governing body Sepp Blatter has appointed Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi as head of the organisation’s ethics committee, it was announced today. The committee has been set up to investigate internal and external claims of corruption within FIFA.

“We believe we have found the right man for the job,” said Mr. Blatter in a press conference today. “This man stands for everything FIFA believes in. Although I have always maintained that FIFA is completely corruption free, I’m sure Mr. Berlusconi will do a thorough job and calm everyone’s fears.”

FIFA has been under the spotlight in recent weeks due to allegations of delegates selling votes in both the recent presidential elections, and in the build up to the 2018/2022 World Cup host elections. Mr. Berlusconi however is skeptical that anything untoward has gone on.

“Take it from a man with integrity, loyalty and respect for both himself and his countrymen, FIFA is a clean and legitimate organisation. I have had many in depth conversations with Mr. Blatter, Jack Warner and others near the top of the tree before taking this job. They assured me that these allegations are all a conspiracy cooked up by the British media, who were no doubt upset about losing their World Cup bid.”

Rumours have circulated within the Swiss media that, upon accepting the job, the Italian PM left FIFA headquarters carrying a large duffle bag he was not carrying when he entered the building. Mr. Berlusconi shrugged this off, however, “I was going to the gym after the meeting, but I accidently forgot my gym clothes. The good people at FIFA were kind enough to lend me some. It is, after all, and athletic organization.

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Swindon now “officially fascist”

Head of Swindon Borough Council, Roderick Bluh, announced today that the town of Swindon, Wiltshire is now completely fascist, following a 3-month campaign by the town’s most influential people. The final piece of the puzzle, according to Mr. Bluh, was the introduction of Paulo Di Canio as Swindon Town FC’s new manager.

“It’s been a long and arduous campaign,” said Mr. Bluh this afternoon. “We started 3 months ago by hiring young white youths to graffiti anti-communist slogans all around town. We then set up a meeting between all MP’s and members of the council in the Swindon area and agreed to a totalitarian governing system in the town. Then we demolished the Brunel shopping center and replaced it with a labour camp for our enemies.”

“It was then essential to our plans that Mr. Di Canio take over the vacant managers role at the football club. We lent heavily on the club’s chairman, and it was sorted. We now have a poster boy for our fascist state.”

When asked about which towns and cities they were opposed to in the surrounding area, Mr. Bluh said, “We’ve never really like Oxford, they’ve always been so liberal and so forward thinking, and that is not the Swindon way. But Paulo absolutely detests Bristol. Apparently he was accosted in a Yates wine lodge in their city centre a few years back. On his say so, we will declare war on Bristol. Especially as Swindon are in the same division as Bristol Rovers next year.

Swindon appears to have started a trend of towns and cities taking up radical political structures. There have been rumours that Cardiff is to turn communist after Tiger Tiger was mown down to make way for a bike factory. They have reportedly been trying to obtain the services of Georgi Kinkladze to manage their football team, which would complete the move over to communism.

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Eric Coli – The most hated man in Europe

A resident of Carlisle has revealed today that he has received death threats delivered to his home and has had to change his telephone number and his e-mail several times this week after being inundated with hate mail. Eric Coli, a bank manager, originally from Scunthorpe, has no idea why this has started happening to him.

“It started off with just a few. They were mostly in German, so I used a translator. They said things like “you made my husband ill.” or “I haven’t left my bed in a week, it’s all your fault.” Of course I had no idea what they were talking about.”

“Then I started getting more and more. They were asking me “where did you come from?” So I wrote back to a few saying I was originally from Scunthorpe. Next thing I hear the old fruit and veg market in Scunthorpe has been burned down and all the produce has been destroyed in a controlled explosion. So I stopped replying.”

When asked about the death threats Mr. Coli told The Haddock, “I received a letter from Frau Ursula Schmidt, who is apparently the minister for health in Germany. She wrote that she was going to find out where I’m from, and destroy that place. Then she was going to find a way to eradicate me, and anyone like me, for good. I am terrified for my friends and family in Carlisle!”

The German cabinet was unavailable for comment. Apparently there is some sort of health crisis going on over there right now and they are all “too busy.”

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Ratko Mladic defeats Osama Bin Landen to become hide-and-seek champion

Former Bosnian-Serb military leader and war crimes defendant Ratko Mladic today revealed he and recently deceased al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden have been in competition for the ultimate championship of hide-and-seek

Ratko Mladic stood in The Hague earlier today and declared, “I am the champion, and none of you can take that away from me.” The visibly disgusted court pressed him on what it was he meant, to which Mr. Mladic replied, “I stayed hidden for 6 years longer than Osama, and with only minimal help from my Government. The trophy is being fed-ex’d to me as we speak!”

He went on to explain that he had been in contact with Bin Laden shortly after the 9/11 atrocities, at which point an agreement was reached and a trophy was bought, to be given to whoever stayed hidden for the longest. “Even if we’d started from that point, I still would have won.” finished Mr. Mladic.

The war crimes tribunal have promised to add a further 5 years to any sentence passed down for Mr. Mladic, “for not only being one of the most despicable human beings to have walked the planet, but for being a smug bastard as well.”

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