Tesco “Not Mad, Just Disappointed” with British public

The British public was left ashamed and guilt ridden last night after Tesco issued a statement explaining how disappointed they were about the lack of spending that went on over Christmas.

“We’ve asked you time and time again to spend, but you’re just not listening are you?” the statement read. “I’m not mad this time, I’m honestly not. But you’ve really disappointed us. We’re just very sad.”

Tesco then swept out of the room leaving the British public alone to think about what they had done. After a long and soul searching think, the public then went on to internet banking in order to start up E-ISA’s to start saving for next Christmas, swapped their mobile services and insurance policies to Tesco and pledged to never go anywhere near a Sainsbury’s ever again.

Tesco eventually came back in to the room, at which point the British public showed what they had done to correct their mistakes. Tesco gave a rye and tired smile before they delivered another statement saying, “Okay, maybe we were a little harsh on you. As long as you are genuinely sorry and you promise to never do it again you can eat our delicious Tesco’s finest pork and leak sausages for supper.”

The British public greatfully agreed and popped off to Tesco express to pick up some cake for everyone to share.

For more lovely satire go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

One Direction revealed to be Justin Bieber’s Horcruxes

Teenage boy-band One Direction are in hiding this evening after Justin Bieber revealed that they are, in fact, his horcruxes, pieces of his maimed soul separated from his body following his murder of the music industry.

In an exclusive interview with J-14 magazine, Mr. Bieber disclosed that his minders thought he had died after his attempt at singing Brown Sugar, in order to vanquishing The Rolling Stones, backfired. “No one told me that Keith Richards was literally immortal. The curse rebounded and left me a shell of my former self.” Mr. Bieber said. “But luckily I could not die. Last year, with help from Simon Cowell, I split my soul in to 5 pieces and created One Direction. After they got to number 1 with their first single I was back to full power.”

This sensational story has sparked millions of ‘Horcrux Hunters’ to take to the streets in search of the boy-band. Many of music’s most respected artists have leant their support to the vigilante groups. David Bowie said in a statement, “This is the only way we can get rid of Bieber. Use as much force as possible. Remember, these are not people. These are imprints of the most heinous threat to the earth since Westlife.” Noel Gallagher was seen leading an army of hunters wearing just a Man City shirt and armed with a harpoon gun, and Thom Yorke was spotted stalking Caroline Flack, no doubt hoping she would lead him to the horcruxes.

Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment as he was feasting on the blood of a unicorn in order to immortalize himself.

Ofcom Whistleblower Reveals Channel Changing Capabilities

The television world was left reeling last night after an Ofcom insider revealed exclusively to The Haddock that the viewing public can actually change the channel if they are offended or unhappy with the program they are watching. The expose came in the wake of ITV’s flagship show The X-Factor receiving 300 complaints for allegedly promoting alcoholism or something.

“It’s been a hugely guarded secret for years.” said the insider, who did not want to be named incase he was either ostracized from the media regulator, or beaten mercifully to within an inch of his life, depending on the watershed. “Obviously if the audience knew that they could simply press a button to remove the offending broadcast from their screens then Ofcom would be rendered completely pointless.”

“It’s actually incredibly simple to do. You can either press the ‘Ch+’ or ‘Ch-‘ button on your remote control and what ever program is causing you distress will be replaced with another program. I’m revealing this now because I’m getting incredibly sick of dealing with complaints as frivolous and time consuming as the ones concerning The X-Factor.”

Members of the public were absolutely shocked by the revelation. Carol Serebanawich, from Newton Abbot, said, “I can’t believe it! Just the other day I sat through 3 episodes of Frankie Boyle’s Tramadol Nights. It was absolutely disgusting! I should not have to sit through a young girl performing felatio on Jesus Christ! Naturally I complained to Ofcom. And now I find out I could have just put on Masterchef? Amazing. I wholeheartedly apologize for wasting Ofcom’s time.”

When The Haddock tried to speak to Ofcom for comment, they simply replied “Gosh Darn it, we’ve been fucking rumbled!” and hung up the phone.

Residents of Devizes Riot After Being Left Out of Olympic Torch Route

The Wiltshire town of Devizes was in chaos last night after a small demonstration, protesting the Olympic torch route, ended up in a full scale riot. 476 people have been arrested in what is said to be the worst night of violence Wiltshire has ever seen.

“It was like the meltdown of society,” said one resident, who did not want to be named. “Cars and building were on fire, effigies of Sir Steve Redgrave were burnt and someone wrote “Fuck You Lord Coe” across the front door of the town hall. I may have stolen a few steaks from the local butchers, but their prices are very unreasonable.”

The protest started after it was announced that the Olympic torch procession was going to bypass the town. A few hundred people took to the streets sporting anti athlete placards. But the demonstration soon got out of hand after they found out the nearby market town of Marlborough would be on the route.

“What makes Marlborough so bloody special? It’s elitism!” said one rioter, disguised as a raccoon. “The powers that be obviously aren’t aware of our Bowls Club’s dominations of Marlborough over the years.” The man then scurried away to set fire to a nearby Ford Focus.

Local Conservative MP Claire Perry was quick to condemn the “barbaric and primal” violence. “I’m just as disappointed as the next Devizesion. . . or Devizesman or whatever we’re called. But violence is clearly not the answer. The worst thing about it is we can’t even blame the ethnic minorities, like our party usually does, as we’re in Wiltshire.”

The violence subsided shortly before dawn as around 2000 people set fire to a giant Olympic torch mock up and held there own procession. Mrs. Perry has promised a full investigation into why this happened.

More of Stephen Hilton’s Disturbingly Weird Policies Revealed.

From 10th October

An undercover Haddock reporter has managed to obtain a fresh batch of David Cameron’s Director of Strategy Stephen Hilton’s policy ideas. The Guardian newspaper revealed 2 years ago a handful of Hilton’s strange ideas, including closing Job Center’s for no conceivable reason and abolishing maternity leave. But it would seem Mr. Hilton has only got weirder. Here are a few of our personal favourites.

· Every Welshman will be allowed to carry a gun, but not across the border, or in Port Talbot

· God shall be renamed “Archibald the Angry”

· 20% of our tax money will be transferred in to bank accounts for fictional characters, e.g. Postman Pat.

· All doctors’ surgeries will see patience in order of how funny their name is and irregardless of symptoms. For example; if your name was John Smith, you’d be at the end of the list. If your name was Stylian Sexsmonitor, you would be seen immediately.

· Pavements will be replaced by sand banks, so England will feel like Miami/Fallujah.

· Cloudbursting technologywill be used to provide more sunshine.

· You can openly mock pregnant women for either being fat or over emotional. In fact it will be encouraged.

· Policeman shall have to navigate around the place using only Segway’s.

· Football shall be renamed “The Ballet of the ne’er-do-wells “

· Free celery for the blind.

· Free school dinners for children over 6 feet tall.

· Traffic cones shall be replaced by fitness buffs doing press ups.

· Spiders will be treated as second class citizens, and forced to wear the star of the arachnid on one of the their legs.

· People caught in possession of Maruana will now have to smoke a blunt in one puff whilst being observed by 3 maidens fair.

· Everyone will have to wear flip-flops, even you are Director of Strategy for the Prime Minister, 42, it’s winter, and you’re a dick.

Mr. Hilton refused to comment on these new policies, but he did tell us we “should be thinking outside the box.”

In other news a Haddock reporter has been arrested for trying to hit Stephen Hilton in the face with a microphone.

Liam Fox’s Full Entourage Revealed

From 10th October

Following revelations Defence Secretary Liam Fox invited former flat mate Adam Werrity to join him when meeting with foreign dignitaries, The Haddock has obtained top-secret footage, which reveals that Mr. Fox and Mr. Werrity were not the only people invited along to these meetings.

When meeting with Harry Boulter, chief executive of the Porton Capital investment fund, in Dubai last year, Mr. Fox bought no fewer than 47 people with him. Wayne Rooney went along to discuss a sponsorship deal, which at the time seemed strange, but the deal brokered was for roughly the price of bail in Merseyside. Cliff Richard went along to try and secure nuclear armament, seemingly because he is just that evil. And Sandy Toksvig went along to debate the correct spelling of Onomatopoeia, evidently out of sheer boredom.

In the meeting with the President of Sri Lanka in London Mr. Fox was joined by Eric Pickles, who was looking for a second free lunch of that day, Teen heartthrob Justin Beiber, who was looking to sell his bland, disturbingly sexualized pop to the recently peaceful region. And the entire cast of Eastenders, who wanted to practice their comic relief silly dance routine for someone important before they did it in front of Terry Wogan.

And in the most bizarre of all the meetings Mr. Fox and Mr. Werrity attended together, Mr. Fox hired out the entire Emirates stadium for a sit down with Saudi Prince Mugran ibn Abdul-Aziz. The prince sat in the centre circle as an invited congregation of 65,000 people were encouraged to discuss openly Britain’s security worries and frailties, as well as ask the prince for money in a Dragon’s Den style manner.

The Haddock passed the footage along to PM David Cameron, who said in response “we’re taking this very seriously.” He then very sneakily put the memory stick containing the footage in a bin, before setting fire to the bin and then putting the charred remains of said bin through a shredder. Unfortunately, that was our only copy, so you are going to have to take our word for it.

Red Top Tabloids severely underplay Mike Tindall cheating story

From 19th September

The Press Complaints Commission criticized the Sun, The Daily Mirror and other tabloid newspapers today for failing to sensationalize to an acceptable level a story involving Mike Tindall and the England rugby team. The tabloids, which generally ignore the sport of Rugby Union for 47 out of 48 months, were accused of “not making enough ridiculous allegations” and “failing to derail an already stuttering world cup campaign. “

Steven Mceldery of the PCC said today, “We have had many complaints from readers that these papers did not highlight enough the fact that these guys had had a bad game and should not have been out drinking. And there coverage of Tindall being kissed on the forehead had no where near enough accusatory comments about him cheating on his royal wife, even if the girl he was with is just an old friend. The people aren’t happy”

The Tabloids apologized profusely today, and promised that the next time a rugby player was caught drinking they would make it look like they were out till dawn raping, pillaging and generally being a disgrace to the nation. “We are dedicated to embellishing the truth,” said Sun editor Dominic Mohan, “Next time we promise to super impose a t-shirt saying ‘I Hate England’ on to Dylan Hartley, whoever he is.”

The England rugby team are currently out in New Zealand competing in the World Cup. They have promised to never ever under any circumstances drink in public again. Even if they win.