Teenage boy-band One Direction are in hiding this evening after Justin Bieber revealed that they are, in fact, his horcruxes, pieces of his maimed soul separated from his body following his murder of the music industry.
In an exclusive interview with J-14 magazine, Mr. Bieber disclosed that his minders thought he had died after his attempt at singing Brown Sugar, in order to vanquishing The Rolling Stones, backfired. “No one told me that Keith Richards was literally immortal. The curse rebounded and left me a shell of my former self.” Mr. Bieber said. “But luckily I could not die. Last year, with help from Simon Cowell, I split my soul in to 5 pieces and created One Direction. After they got to number 1 with their first single I was back to full power.”
This sensational story has sparked millions of ‘Horcrux Hunters’ to take to the streets in search of the boy-band. Many of music’s most respected artists have leant their support to the vigilante groups. David Bowie said in a statement, “This is the only way we can get rid of Bieber. Use as much force as possible. Remember, these are not people. These are imprints of the most heinous threat to the earth since Westlife.” Noel Gallagher was seen leading an army of hunters wearing just a Man City shirt and armed with a harpoon gun, and Thom Yorke was spotted stalking Caroline Flack, no doubt hoping she would lead him to the horcruxes.
Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment as he was feasting on the blood of a unicorn in order to immortalize himself.
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