More of Stephen Hilton’s Disturbingly Weird Policies Revealed.

From 10th October

An undercover Haddock reporter has managed to obtain a fresh batch of David Cameron’s Director of Strategy Stephen Hilton’s policy ideas. The Guardian newspaper revealed 2 years ago a handful of Hilton’s strange ideas, including closing Job Center’s for no conceivable reason and abolishing maternity leave. But it would seem Mr. Hilton has only got weirder. Here are a few of our personal favourites.

· Every Welshman will be allowed to carry a gun, but not across the border, or in Port Talbot

· God shall be renamed “Archibald the Angry”

· 20% of our tax money will be transferred in to bank accounts for fictional characters, e.g. Postman Pat.

· All doctors’ surgeries will see patience in order of how funny their name is and irregardless of symptoms. For example; if your name was John Smith, you’d be at the end of the list. If your name was Stylian Sexsmonitor, you would be seen immediately.

· Pavements will be replaced by sand banks, so England will feel like Miami/Fallujah.

· Cloudbursting technologywill be used to provide more sunshine.

· You can openly mock pregnant women for either being fat or over emotional. In fact it will be encouraged.

· Policeman shall have to navigate around the place using only Segway’s.

· Football shall be renamed “The Ballet of the ne’er-do-wells “

· Free celery for the blind.

· Free school dinners for children over 6 feet tall.

· Traffic cones shall be replaced by fitness buffs doing press ups.

· Spiders will be treated as second class citizens, and forced to wear the star of the arachnid on one of the their legs.

· People caught in possession of Maruana will now have to smoke a blunt in one puff whilst being observed by 3 maidens fair.

· Everyone will have to wear flip-flops, even you are Director of Strategy for the Prime Minister, 42, it’s winter, and you’re a dick.

Mr. Hilton refused to comment on these new policies, but he did tell us we “should be thinking outside the box.”

In other news a Haddock reporter has been arrested for trying to hit Stephen Hilton in the face with a microphone.

Liam Fox’s Full Entourage Revealed

From 10th October

Following revelations Defence Secretary Liam Fox invited former flat mate Adam Werrity to join him when meeting with foreign dignitaries, The Haddock has obtained top-secret footage, which reveals that Mr. Fox and Mr. Werrity were not the only people invited along to these meetings.

When meeting with Harry Boulter, chief executive of the Porton Capital investment fund, in Dubai last year, Mr. Fox bought no fewer than 47 people with him. Wayne Rooney went along to discuss a sponsorship deal, which at the time seemed strange, but the deal brokered was for roughly the price of bail in Merseyside. Cliff Richard went along to try and secure nuclear armament, seemingly because he is just that evil. And Sandy Toksvig went along to debate the correct spelling of Onomatopoeia, evidently out of sheer boredom.

In the meeting with the President of Sri Lanka in London Mr. Fox was joined by Eric Pickles, who was looking for a second free lunch of that day, Teen heartthrob Justin Beiber, who was looking to sell his bland, disturbingly sexualized pop to the recently peaceful region. And the entire cast of Eastenders, who wanted to practice their comic relief silly dance routine for someone important before they did it in front of Terry Wogan.

And in the most bizarre of all the meetings Mr. Fox and Mr. Werrity attended together, Mr. Fox hired out the entire Emirates stadium for a sit down with Saudi Prince Mugran ibn Abdul-Aziz. The prince sat in the centre circle as an invited congregation of 65,000 people were encouraged to discuss openly Britain’s security worries and frailties, as well as ask the prince for money in a Dragon’s Den style manner.

The Haddock passed the footage along to PM David Cameron, who said in response “we’re taking this very seriously.” He then very sneakily put the memory stick containing the footage in a bin, before setting fire to the bin and then putting the charred remains of said bin through a shredder. Unfortunately, that was our only copy, so you are going to have to take our word for it.

Red Top Tabloids severely underplay Mike Tindall cheating story

From 19th September

The Press Complaints Commission criticized the Sun, The Daily Mirror and other tabloid newspapers today for failing to sensationalize to an acceptable level a story involving Mike Tindall and the England rugby team. The tabloids, which generally ignore the sport of Rugby Union for 47 out of 48 months, were accused of “not making enough ridiculous allegations” and “failing to derail an already stuttering world cup campaign. “

Steven Mceldery of the PCC said today, “We have had many complaints from readers that these papers did not highlight enough the fact that these guys had had a bad game and should not have been out drinking. And there coverage of Tindall being kissed on the forehead had no where near enough accusatory comments about him cheating on his royal wife, even if the girl he was with is just an old friend. The people aren’t happy”

The Tabloids apologized profusely today, and promised that the next time a rugby player was caught drinking they would make it look like they were out till dawn raping, pillaging and generally being a disgrace to the nation. “We are dedicated to embellishing the truth,” said Sun editor Dominic Mohan, “Next time we promise to super impose a t-shirt saying ‘I Hate England’ on to Dylan Hartley, whoever he is.”

The England rugby team are currently out in New Zealand competing in the World Cup. They have promised to never ever under any circumstances drink in public again. Even if they win.

Poddington Peas to be forcibly evicted from the bottom of the garden.

From 19th September

A community of lovable anthropomorphic peas were told today by Oxfordshire council that they would have to leave their homes, or else be forcibly removed. The peas have lived at the bottom of the garden for 22 years, but they do not technically own the land, and their dwellings are blocking plans to build a shed.

A spokeswoman for Oxfordshire council said today, “It is a highly regrettable decision. We understand that the Poddington Peas have a tremendous amount of support, but the law is the law. It is important that we continue with rural development, and a shed is the perfect place to keep things which aren’t important enough, or else are too dirty, to keep in a house.

G-Pea, the community’s doctor, was ambivalent towards the council. “We understand that we don’t technically own the land, but we’ve been here for 22 years and no one’s ever complained. On the contrary, we’ve provided entertainment for some of the young local children over the years. It seems like a strange time to suddenly tell us to go. Maybe we’re being blamed for that outbreak of E-Coli. I know vegetables aren’t particular popular at the moment.”

Grum-Pea, who is unemployed, had a slightly angrier response to the eviction notice, “This is so incredibly typical of politicians. They just don’t understand the pea way of life. This is how we live. Why can’t they just leave us alone.” Meanwhile Weep-Pea was too upset to be interviewed, Slee-Pea was asleep and Wee Mcpea was too stereotypically Scottish to be understood.

It is thought that the Poddington Peas will try and appeal against there eviction as many of them were grown on the land, so feel the land is technically there’s now. The eviction is thought to be scheduled for next Friday.

Tragedy hits Worcestershire family after Bag For Life dies, aged just 7 months.

From 12th September

A family was left traumatized last night after their beloved Marks & Spencer Bag For Life, Carolyn, passed away after just 7 months of coming to live with them. The Carter’s had used Carolyn at least once a week to pick up there bits from the local Marks & Spencer Simply Food store down the road, and occasionally she would come along to the out of town Sainsbury’s for the big shop.

But tragically Carolyn, made of 100% recycled plastic, split yesterday evening as Steven Carter carried her home filled with milk and canned goods. Lillian Carter had this to say in a statement. “We are absolutely shocked and saddened by todays events. We were looking forward to spending the rest of our lives with Carolyn, and perhaps even letting our children or grandchildren taking her on after we passed away. No consumer should ever have to go through this pain. She will be greatly missed.”

Lillian refused to place the blame on husband Steven. “He is horrified. He hasn’t left the bedroom since the incident. He came back carrying the remains and he was just as white as a sheet. He hasn’t stopped crying since. It is a dreadful time for the Carter family.”

Tributes were laid out for Carolyn on the pavement where she met her end, with many well-wishers leaving old regular plastic Lidl and Aldi bags out in her memory. Carolyn was survived by James, a wicker Tesco Bag for Life, and Dalia, from Waitrose, both of whom also live with the Carter’s.

David Walliams pledges to swim circumference of fictional ocean planet

From 12th September

Fresh from his triumphant Sport Relief swim along the River Thames, television funny man David Walliams has outlined his next big charity stunt; Swimming the entire circumference of the fictional ocean planet in which the invading aliens from cult movie The Faculty live.

Walliams, whose swim for Sport Relief took him from Teddington Lock to Westminster, said he was very excited about this new challenge. “Obviously there is the issue of parasitic aliens swimming into my ears and taking over my mind and body, but I had to avoid old black plastic bags, beer cans and drowned rats in the Thames, so it should be no problem, really. I hear it’s a breathtakingly beautiful planet with the clearest of water, and to be the first to swim the circumference will be an honour.

But Walliams’s manager, Martin Igresavic, was skeptical about whether the challenge would realistically go ahead. “First of all, the name of the planet is unfortunately not mentioned in the film, so finding it is going to be tricky. David has taken to calling it ‘the big blue naughty’ so we’ll stick with that for a while.”

“Secondly, once the planet has been located, getting a support team to join David may become difficult what with the human hating aliens that inhabit the place. We think they will probably leave David alone as he is clearly a water dweller, but the support team would be vulnerable. We’ve penciled it in for 2013, but at this stage it’s unlikely to happen.”

Rest of the world is insane, Col. Gaddafi normal, new study shows

From 5th September

A groundbreaking study into mental illness carried out by the University of Sirte has concluded that everyone in the world is totally insane other than recently ousted Libyan leader Colonel Muammar Gaddafi.

According to the report it is totally normal and rational to kill your own citizen’s, order the citizen’s loyal to you to fight to the death, go on long and rambling rants about how the uprising in your country is a western conspiracy, get so much plastic surgery your face resembles a melted candle which has been punched repeatedly and still claim to be the leader of a country which has overthrown you with overwhelming support from the rest of the world. Whereas if you are a pub landlord with two kids and a mortgage and not really much else going on you are utterly insane.

Aabideen Abdelkader, who conducted the study said, “I was a little surprised at the results, but they are conclusive. The only problem is that it turns out I’m completely insane as well, so maybe what I’ve done can’t be trusted. I’m an academic with mild manners and a passion for painting you see. They might as well lock me in a padded cell right now.”

The Colonel’s son, Khamis, who is also insane, but not quite as insane as others as he has shown similar traits to that of his father, ordered the study to be carried out upon arriving in Sirte as he fled the rebels.

Work is ongoing to find out if anyone else in the world is normal, with case studies being carried out on Kim Jong-Il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Robert Mugabe and Gary Neville.

People involved with professional football “officially the worst people in the world”

From 5th September

The football world was left reeling last night after the actions of Manchester City CEO Garry Cook meant that people involved with football overtook the likes of dictators, murderers and sex offenders to become top of The Haddocks “Worst People in the World” list.

Mr. Cook allegedly mocked Nedum Onuoha mother’s cancer in an e-mail meant for a colleague, which was accidently sent to the player’s mother. The Haddock’s “Worst People in the World” list works from indexing all the shitty things particular groups of people do and publishing the results.

Haddock “Worst People” analyst Steven Bravewater said, “It’s been a long time coming. For a while it was only the integrity, hard work and professionalism of Ryan Giggs that was keeping them away from the summit, but then of course the whole super injunction thing came out and Football people rocketed up the table. It was at that point we realized that literally everyone involved with the running and playing football are complete and utter shits. “

“Just look at FIFA. Literally everything they do is exploitative, corrupt and generally horrible. The worst thing is that they’re so goddamn blatant about it, yet no one else in football calls them on it because they are equally as exploitative, corrupt and generally horrible.”

“Then you’ve got the players, a fine example of why stupidity should not be rewarded so lavishly. Just because they can kick a ball does not mean they should get paid more in a week than GP’s earn in a year. It wouldn’t be so hard to swallow if they were humble about it, but they are universally moaning, arrogant, money grabbing shits that do absolutely nothing to endear themselves to anyone.”

A spokesman for the PFA told The Haddock last night, “We actually couldn’t give a damn about what you think. We’re all rich.”