Iain Duncan Smith proposes “jobs for the rich”

The Conservatives were at the center of another embarrassing U-turn last night as the Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith suggested that new jobs could be created in the public sector if people were willing to pay a higher price for them.

On the same day that the Prime Minister denied additional university places would be created for candidates who were willing to pay higher fees, Mr. Duncan Smith claimed that people could obtain positions if they were willing to pay for them. “It’s very simple really. If you would like to work in the public sector you can give us, oh, I don’t know, £10,000. Then you can work that newly created position for as long as you want. If you pay us £30000 we’ll make you head of something new, like sheep herding in Derbyshire or something.”

Mr. Duncan Smith faced heated questions in the commons, with MP for Hackney Diane Abbot asking, “Surely this will turn the world of work into an elitist hierarchy?” To which the secretary replied, “There will still be jobs for people who can’t afford to pay for them, just much less than there is now. It may be true that this will mean the best workers never get to progress to anywhere near their full potential, but this is a price we must pay with the economy how it is.”

David Cameron was unavailable to confirm or deny the reports, although an aid close to the PM suggested he would poor water on the bill. “We can see by the way that David has gone about defusing the situation with the University fees that he needs to be much more careful about who he tells these plans to. Therefore I’m fairly sure he will steamroller this proposal as well to try and save face.

John Prescott was really not happy about the story.

Ninja Pimp Officially “Worlds Coolest Profession”

The votes are in and it’s official. The Haddock’s annual “Worlds Coolest Profession” poll has revealed that the Ninja Pimp is the most sort after occupation, knocking last years winner, Pirate Rockstar, into second. Wizard Architect makes up the top 3.

The Ninja Pimp is a covert and deadly warrior who also drives around in a low rider car, wears a hat with a huge feather attached and is always surrounded by an array of beautiful for women, or “ho’s”.

The spokesman for the NinJa Pimp Union said, “We are absolutely thrilled with the accolade. We’re very proud of what these brave people do, and we at the NPU see this as a huge achievement. I just feel bad for our HR department. They’ve been inundated with calls since the announcement. Remember, the job does require exceptional fighting skills and a huge amount of jive, so please be aware of this when applying.”

The Pirate Rockstar’s Alliance was disappointed with the result, but acknowledged the superiority in coolness that the Ninja Pimp had over the rest of the field. “Yarr, us Pirate Rockstars have been on the slide as of late. I blame Keith Richards’ unbelievably disappointing cameo in Pirates 3, which really should have been way cooler. You should see those Ninja Pimps go. They make the Fonz look like Bill Gates.”

The Wizard Architect was a surprise entry into the top 3, with many stating the ever-present popularity of Harry Potter mixed with the great admiration for architects such as Renzo Piano and Norman Foster the reason the job was so popular. There have been some detractors, though, with Vampire Fireman Brian Delve saying, “Wizards are not cool! Have you seen The Sorcerer’s Apprentice?”

The 3 least cool jobs according to the poll were the Accountant, the Traffic Attendant and, finally, the Satirist.

For more, go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

Change of Angle

Hello all,

Just a quick post to say I've begun posting articles written for http://thehaddock.co.uk/ on this blog. This is half because I think they're rather amusing and would appreciate your feedback and love/adulation, and half because writing for them means I have less time to write here. I will definitely be writing more opinion pieces in the near future, I know you can't get enough. But for the time being please enjoy the satire.

Scorching bank holiday weekend melts Richard Littlejohn’s icy heart.

Richard Littlejohn was admitted to hospital last night after he reportedly felt affectionate feelings towards “Muslims and lefties.”

The Daily Mail columnist, famous for being a bad tempered old bigot and for having the catchphrase “it’s political correctness gone mad”, allegedly said, “Good morning” and smiled at a Muslim family whilst walking in a park near his home in North London.

He was then spotted sitting next to a gay couple holding hands in a café near the park. His family raised the alarm after he made a compliment about a Guardian columnist after perusing a left behind copy of the paper in the same café.

Mr. Littlejohn is in a stable condition at North Middlesex University Hospital. His doctor told the congregated press that this sort of event was not totally uncommon. “Last May Day weekend a friend of mine had to go out on a house call to a very senior member of the BNP’s home after he laughed at a joke Eddie Murphy made in Beverly Hills Cop. He’d been out punting earlier in the day and the sun sparked a slight feeling of human compassion. Good weather mixed with time off and relaxation can cause even the iciest hearts to melt a little.”

“Don’t worry about Mr. Littlejohn though. The nurses are with him now, showing him pictures of children in hoodies spitting, gay men kissing, women wearing burqas and Tony Benn. He should be back to writing his vicious columns, which incite racial hatred, in no time.”

However, the editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, has questioned whether Mr. Littlejohn will still have the ability to write for the paper, “We only hire people who can really whip up our readers into a frenzy of fear, mistrust and loathing. I fear that if Richard’s heart does not cool down he will be unable to do this. That would be a real shame because no one is as angry, fear mongering, ignorant, and downright disgusting as him. I mean really disgusting. He even makes me feel a bit sick sometimes.”

There were no friends or well-wishers at Mr. Littlejohn’s bedside.

Local man a laughing stock for “believe Bin Laden is really dead”

A local man was the subject of ridicule from peers and work colleagues last night after he allegedly claimed to believe Osama Bin Laden was actually dead. Tom Cahoot, from Maidestone, has seemingly taken President Obama’s confirmation about the death of the Al-Qaeda leader as “fact”, causing friends to question his sanity.

“What an absolute idiot,” said tweeter Kevin4Esther, mirroring thousands of others upon hearing the news, “where’s the proof? This is 9/11 all over again.” Mr. Cahoot’s colleague Robin Sanford told the press “I actually feel a little sorry for Tim Cahoot. How can anyone be so naive to actually believe the President of the United States, David Cameron, The President of Pakistan and pretty much every other leader in the civilized world? They’re all so crooked.”

But Mr. Cahoot remained defiant last night. In an open statement to the people of the world he wrote, “look at it this way, if he wasn’t really dead wouldn’t Al-Qaeda have released a statement denying all reports? Better still, would Bin Laden himself not have made a videotape to show the world that he is still alive? And considering he has not made a videotape for over 2 years and that he has been seriously ill and on a dialysis machine for more than four years suggest that even if they did show a body, the man would be borderline unrecognizable. And if there was a firefight and Bin Laden was killed, wouldn’t that suggest that his body would have many bullet holes and that this would make him even more unrecognizable? And who wants to see a dead body anyway? Does no one actually want him dead? I’m pretty confused.”

Since Bin Laden’s apparent demise Twitter and Facebook has been awash with skeptical posts, with an estimated 98% of users referring to some sort of conspiracy, as opposed to joy that one of the most evil men who has ever lived was dead.

Mr. Cahoot signed off his stamen by saying, “I, for one, am glad he’s gone. Maybe the relatives of the 3,000+ killed on 9/11 can move on now this murderer has been apprehended.”

Tom Cahoot is a cashier at Lidl.

For more amusing posts check out http://thehaddock.co.uk