Tesco “Not Mad, Just Disappointed” with British public

The British public was left ashamed and guilt ridden last night after Tesco issued a statement explaining how disappointed they were about the lack of spending that went on over Christmas.

“We’ve asked you time and time again to spend, but you’re just not listening are you?” the statement read. “I’m not mad this time, I’m honestly not. But you’ve really disappointed us. We’re just very sad.”

Tesco then swept out of the room leaving the British public alone to think about what they had done. After a long and soul searching think, the public then went on to internet banking in order to start up E-ISA’s to start saving for next Christmas, swapped their mobile services and insurance policies to Tesco and pledged to never go anywhere near a Sainsbury’s ever again.

Tesco eventually came back in to the room, at which point the British public showed what they had done to correct their mistakes. Tesco gave a rye and tired smile before they delivered another statement saying, “Okay, maybe we were a little harsh on you. As long as you are genuinely sorry and you promise to never do it again you can eat our delicious Tesco’s finest pork and leak sausages for supper.”

The British public greatfully agreed and popped off to Tesco express to pick up some cake for everyone to share.

For more lovely satire go to http://thehaddock.co.uk/

One Direction revealed to be Justin Bieber’s Horcruxes

Teenage boy-band One Direction are in hiding this evening after Justin Bieber revealed that they are, in fact, his horcruxes, pieces of his maimed soul separated from his body following his murder of the music industry.

In an exclusive interview with J-14 magazine, Mr. Bieber disclosed that his minders thought he had died after his attempt at singing Brown Sugar, in order to vanquishing The Rolling Stones, backfired. “No one told me that Keith Richards was literally immortal. The curse rebounded and left me a shell of my former self.” Mr. Bieber said. “But luckily I could not die. Last year, with help from Simon Cowell, I split my soul in to 5 pieces and created One Direction. After they got to number 1 with their first single I was back to full power.”

This sensational story has sparked millions of ‘Horcrux Hunters’ to take to the streets in search of the boy-band. Many of music’s most respected artists have leant their support to the vigilante groups. David Bowie said in a statement, “This is the only way we can get rid of Bieber. Use as much force as possible. Remember, these are not people. These are imprints of the most heinous threat to the earth since Westlife.” Noel Gallagher was seen leading an army of hunters wearing just a Man City shirt and armed with a harpoon gun, and Thom Yorke was spotted stalking Caroline Flack, no doubt hoping she would lead him to the horcruxes.

Simon Cowell was unavailable for comment as he was feasting on the blood of a unicorn in order to immortalize himself.