Ofcom Whistleblower Reveals Channel Changing Capabilities

The television world was left reeling last night after an Ofcom insider revealed exclusively to The Haddock that the viewing public can actually change the channel if they are offended or unhappy with the program they are watching. The expose came in the wake of ITV’s flagship show The X-Factor receiving 300 complaints for allegedly promoting alcoholism or something.

“It’s been a hugely guarded secret for years.” said the insider, who did not want to be named incase he was either ostracized from the media regulator, or beaten mercifully to within an inch of his life, depending on the watershed. “Obviously if the audience knew that they could simply press a button to remove the offending broadcast from their screens then Ofcom would be rendered completely pointless.”

“It’s actually incredibly simple to do. You can either press the ‘Ch+’ or ‘Ch-‘ button on your remote control and what ever program is causing you distress will be replaced with another program. I’m revealing this now because I’m getting incredibly sick of dealing with complaints as frivolous and time consuming as the ones concerning The X-Factor.”

Members of the public were absolutely shocked by the revelation. Carol Serebanawich, from Newton Abbot, said, “I can’t believe it! Just the other day I sat through 3 episodes of Frankie Boyle’s Tramadol Nights. It was absolutely disgusting! I should not have to sit through a young girl performing felatio on Jesus Christ! Naturally I complained to Ofcom. And now I find out I could have just put on Masterchef? Amazing. I wholeheartedly apologize for wasting Ofcom’s time.”

When The Haddock tried to speak to Ofcom for comment, they simply replied “Gosh Darn it, we’ve been fucking rumbled!” and hung up the phone.

Residents of Devizes Riot After Being Left Out of Olympic Torch Route

The Wiltshire town of Devizes was in chaos last night after a small demonstration, protesting the Olympic torch route, ended up in a full scale riot. 476 people have been arrested in what is said to be the worst night of violence Wiltshire has ever seen.

“It was like the meltdown of society,” said one resident, who did not want to be named. “Cars and building were on fire, effigies of Sir Steve Redgrave were burnt and someone wrote “Fuck You Lord Coe” across the front door of the town hall. I may have stolen a few steaks from the local butchers, but their prices are very unreasonable.”

The protest started after it was announced that the Olympic torch procession was going to bypass the town. A few hundred people took to the streets sporting anti athlete placards. But the demonstration soon got out of hand after they found out the nearby market town of Marlborough would be on the route.

“What makes Marlborough so bloody special? It’s elitism!” said one rioter, disguised as a raccoon. “The powers that be obviously aren’t aware of our Bowls Club’s dominations of Marlborough over the years.” The man then scurried away to set fire to a nearby Ford Focus.

Local Conservative MP Claire Perry was quick to condemn the “barbaric and primal” violence. “I’m just as disappointed as the next Devizesion. . . or Devizesman or whatever we’re called. But violence is clearly not the answer. The worst thing about it is we can’t even blame the ethnic minorities, like our party usually does, as we’re in Wiltshire.”

The violence subsided shortly before dawn as around 2000 people set fire to a giant Olympic torch mock up and held there own procession. Mrs. Perry has promised a full investigation into why this happened.